Thursday, 17 March 2011

Only For Those Who Care

Have you ever had to be alone in a place that you disliked??
You don't know why or what is wrong with the place but somehow, you don't like being there. You try to make yourself stay there, telling yourself "Maybe it's just me". You try and you try, but it just consumes you. The four walls seem to be closing in. No matter how you try to make yourself comfortable, distract yourself, go out and tire yourself; something just eats away at you. No matter how tired out you may be, you can't sleep in that room. If you manage to fall asleep, you wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. And hopelessness just seems to descend and suffocate you. The night seems to stretch on as you try to sleep again. You pray and weep, and somehow manage to sleep again. But you wake up with that same feeling in your heart. You try to be positive and start a new day afresh, try to fight and do work to get through the day. But by the night; again, there you are. Unable to sleep, weeping and praying. What do you do??

I ran.
The place that I'm referring is my rented room. I've been staying there since the beginning of this year. Ever since Ben left, I'd been having real trouble dealing with being in my room. I know I've been complaining in FB about some issues with the landlord but that's only part of the story. At first, I had thought it was just my emotional side that's causing all the horrid feeling I had while in my room. Because I got another emotional blow with results following his departure. So I kept running away from it after failing to adept there by forcing myself to stay in. I literally ran from my room.To friends' places, to family even going home to Ipoh to recuperate. And each time I will feel better and then be determined to overcome my fear issues being in the room. But each time, I just crumble back to the same state after spending just a few hours in the room.

How did I stay in the room for 2 months and not have any problems and then suddenly I feel so bad I have to literally run from it? I think it was because I hardly ever spent time in that room whilst Ben was still here (most of the time with him and his family) and suddenly, having to spend majority of my time in it, the reality of the place just hit me. And of course the series of unfortunate and unpleasant events with the landlord and my stuff being stolen. I just don't like the place now. And it doesn't seem to like me either.

'Move' you say?? Yea, I have given notice but I'll not be moving out until April. So I still have to deal with this. It might not seem like such a big deal but unless it's a real challenge for me. To not even be comfortable in your own room is like losing your sense of peace. Not being comfortable not only in body but in mind. I've never experienced anything like this before and I just can't fight it anymore. Weeks of trying to adept, fight, ignore, change...it just left mentally and emotionally drained. I can't afford that. I have work to do. My OBU Project is important and my revision. It doesn't work trying to study in there to distract myself. Everything doesn't work.

Those who know me, you'll know I've always been a fighter. This time, I'm not winning this. Whether it's the room or me, I'm just tired. For now, it's a waiting game for the day I move out. I'm spending as little time possible there to avoid the negativity. It is through these times I realise how blessed I am. With support pouring in. Friends, who unquestioningly comfort me. Family, who always accept me with open arms. A very loving and supportive boyfriend, even from afar. Especially Ben's family, who have been the epitome of hospitality and kindness to me; taking me in and helping me gain back my peace. I can do my work again. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

4 squeaked:

-£âñ¢ê£- said...

be strong girl.... I know you can overcome it

PoisonKagero said...

Oh poor girl *BIG HUG*... I think I know that feels. I recently hurt my ankle badly playing rugby, and I was confined to my room for a few weeks. My situation isn't as bad as yours - I have a nice room and all, but I felt so horrible not being able to move or study and being alone etc., but remember this too shall pass. All who know you will be praying that you get a better room, and that somehow God will carry you through :)

EeSoon said...

It's a bit creepy reading this
post... now I can understand how you
felt in the room... Well, hope you
can get a better room in April. Best
of luck! It's just 2 more weeks to
go! You can overcome it!!! Mentally
support u! :)

JoYce said...

@Frances Thanks. Trying to do my best. :)

@PoisonKagero thanks. Hope ur ankle is well. :)

@EeSoon Sorry i creeped u but i was just telling how it feels. Thanks for ur good wishes! :)

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